Friends with Benefits – the down side
If you had asked me yesterday about my current FWB situation I would have told you I am very happy I am seeing 2 redheads (a personal fav) with whom the sex is just great MsE and MsA. MsE offered to do the group thing if we were still hooking up when I turned 40 (November). Woot MsA is a ton of fun and we already go there (but that’s another story). The only downside is that I see MsE when she has spare time from her hectic workload. It might be weeks before seeing her again. In regards to MsA I was only seeing her on a Thursday…once a week most of the time is simply not enough, which is how I met MsN. MsA, MsN, and I have had lunch with a view of checking the chemistry, and MsN auditioned me 1 on 1 privately a few days later. Great times A FMF 3sum is on the cards soon.
I am quite a happy guy
Roll forward to today
1 of my 2 long term FWB just walked. While she was aware that I was seeing another person, I don’t think it really hit home with her until I mentioned my other lovers name (and no, not during the act).
MsE and I have been on and off since September last year.
Off because she wanted a relationship after about 2 months but she was not for me – a bit narky at times (and I try to keep my life drama free). Also because we did not communicate well via SMS – things would get taken the wrong way in that ‘flat’ medium and tension rise, and I would not notice until well into the conversation that she was actually pissed with me, not teasing or playing a bit. It took me a long while to figure this out, and say something along the line of ‘hey, I *am* joking, you know that right?”….and then things would cool down on her side. Just let her be for a while, resume conversation the next day.
Alas this will be no more. I get the distinct feeling she is pissed with me and won’t be coming back. I am most definitely bummed about that. I shall miss MsE. I thought we had figured out our differences and become good Friends With Benefits. Writing this right now it occurs to me that perhaps she still wanted that relationship, and so hearing another lovers name cut her deeply. *Sigh* Not good, and certainly not my intention to hurt others.
Why oh why did I mention my other lovers name? :/ Well MsE likes to bite and so I have quite a few bruises on my shoulders and arms from her bites. My 2nd FWB MsA noticed these and asked how I got them. In our quite open way I said MsE did it to which MsA replied ‘oh I will have to start biting you, maybe start a bit of turf war” :p. I saw the humour in this – MsA and I have the same kind of twisted humour. So when MsE and I were getting out of the shower MsE noticed a bruise on my arm (from MsE not MsA) and said something. I said something along the lines of “MsA noticed that too”. “Who is that, your personal trainer?”. “No MsA, the other lady I am seeing”….things went down hill from there.
I am still finding my way in this open FWB relationship that I have with MsA. When do you mention other peoples names?
- Do you avoid it
Don’t rub salt into the wound kind of thing
- Full Disclosure
You know whats going on with who. Open communication.
My preferred choice
We both see other people (well I was until today). I am aware of who most of those people are. I am cool with that, I have no problems with a mention of their names. Indeed I have helped tee up a hookup with a husband that she likes by talking to his wife. I basically asked if he played alone which was answered in the affirmative, I let MsA know, phone numbers were exchanged and they got it on one night. Cool – I am happy that MsA is happy
I only have concern about one guy that she sees (they have been on again, off again as well for the same reason – great sex ). When she mentioned that she had hooked up with him I was surprised to find myself pretty annoyed. However its my way to figure why I am thinking what I am (metathoughts). I basically don’t think he is good for her, I did not like hearing how good the sex was (my ego was taking a hit), and keeping it secret from him was causing my quite a bit of stress – I don’t like doing that.
Once I had the whys sorted out I moved on to next steps*. A couple of thoughts popped into my head.
- It’s my problem that I dislike him, not her problem.
Fundamentally I own this (but I did let it slip that I did not like him one day over lunch).
- My problem should not be her problem.
My problems should not generate problems for her. I suspected that she was segregating us, keeping us apart. As it turns it out she was not, and I am thankful for that – see point 1 (Segregation occurred for other reasons such as he did not mix well with some friends of hers – I get invited to some things, he gets invites to others).
- She fundamentally has the right to go there if she wants.
I can (and did) voice my concerns but I can not enforce that opinion. I would not want to – words like ‘bully’ and ‘slavery’ come to mind. If you love something set it free…hell respect should be enough.
(My only thought when free will should not win out is when there is an addiction of some sort. I don’t think that’s the case here)
After more thought spurred by writing down my thoughts I also had these thoughts:
- It brings her happiness – that’s the aim of the game yeah
- In regards to the best sex thing, I must remember that after 3 months I am still getting asked to come back, so I must be doing something right
This is no small feat in my opinion. Quite frankly she could pull any guy she wanted – she has the looks and certainly, oh certainly, has excellent bedroom skills.
Another thing that motivated me to continue down this path even if it irked me a bit is a quote attributed to the Dalai Lama “Given a hard path and an easy path, choose the hard one as it will build character”.
Once I got those thoughts out on paper I felt immediately better. In addition to this MsA told him that we were hooking up – that was a weight off my mind, no more actively keeping a secret – I drove this guy home one night after a drinks night. The mention of his name in regards to hooking up no longer generates negative emotions – I am cool with it now. I am happy I routinely use the above quote in my life.
OK that’s enough for one day
Keep it real, keep it fun, and remember “In life be your self…unless you can be Batman in which case be Batman”
Next Steps refers to a mental exercise in Happiness. If something is generating negative emotions in me, I find the wound and then like a good doctor, I clean the wound. Figure out whats going on, find positives in it, don’t let the emotion win. Sure as hell don’t bury it.
A simple one is that people don’t put the garbage out at home. Just remember that you would have to put out the garbage if you lived alone, yeah.
PS Did you communicate your expectations to those other people ? Anger/frustrations come from expectations not being met. Make sure you clearly set those expectations, it’s a key step.